This would, of course, be better if I had the photo of the donkey dick, but it seems to have disappeared out of my email.  It would also be better if I had the Craig’s List ad that began this fun.  Next time I’ll think ahead.

The Craig’s List ad was listed under Casual Encounters m4w.  There was a photo of a HUGE penis.  The photo really did not look photoshopped, but I’m not well-versed in photo manipulation.  It certainly didn’t look professional–the background was a 70s-era desk and crappy carpeting.  The guy’s cock was larger than his arm in the photo.  The ad said the usual–he wants casual sex, will only reply to responses with photos, won’t pay for sex but will pay for meals, drinks, and drugs.  Neither the ad or its headline mentioned anything about having a big cock, which in the CL CE world is fucking weird.

I believe I sent him this photo:

Photo 13

I asked about the photo in his ad because, really, it needed an explanation.  How the fuck did he find pants to fit him, or did he always wear a kilt?  Was he able to actually get the whole thing inside any orifices?  I tried, I did.

Following is our email exchange.  Any misspellings, or grammar or punctuation fuck-ups are his.

*********

SSF: I’m wondering why your ad doesn’t address the photo at all.  Yes, I am a real woman.  Yes, those are my tits, and hands, and hair.

DD:  HEY! I do not know what ad you are talking about? My ad or your ad? It does not matter. It looks like we are both real. What town do you live in?  My name is chris and I am looking for sex and mabey more fun in town. Dinking, eating, and more. here are some of my pic’s get back to me and let’s talk.

DD: Do you want to do something?

SSF: I’m talking about the photo in your ad and the same photo you’ve attached to your email.  Care to address that?

DD: that is me. I posted a bunch of ad’s but all I get is spam. Do you wan to do something? I can prove it is me if we meet. Chris

SSF: Do you want to answer my question?  If I’m going to do something then I’d like to know I’m doing it w/someone who is truthful.

DD: I am truthful! Send a pic of your face and let’s talk. If you want. I am getting your emails a little slow so that is why I did not answer your question.

[He sent me a photo of his face, but even I’m not that mean so I’ll not post it.  He has a unibrow, looks much older than his stated age of 26, and has a double chin.]

DD: why do I have to address the photo it says it all in the post. It is me! I even sent a face pic can you do that?

SSF: A picture of my face will not explain that picture of “your” dick.

DD: What is there to explan about my dick? I do not want to put my face on CL. I so not want to here back from a friend or someone that knows me. I also had to turn off my text and pic’s on cell because of some crazy person kept texting me costing me over $100 dollars so i blocked it for now.

SSF: Let me be frank w/you, Chris:  I do not believe that that photo is an accurate representation of your penis.  THAT is what I want you to address.

DD: Sorry! Drinking! I must have misspelled it.I said a face pic! I can see your face! I do not care to talk to you anymore if you do not believe me, so what! I have other emails to answer. You think I am going to send out fake pic’s and meet women! they would let me to leave if the pic did not fit me. Anyway you sound mean. I do not want to hand out with a woman that sounds and talks like that to me. I am 26 years old, short brown hair, 6’1″ tall, dd free, 194lbs, phsically fit, work out everyday. I am sorry you feel this way. I wish I had more pic’s to back it up but I do not right now. Mabey in the future I will show you and you will see the truth.

SSF: I have a Webcam if you have YIM.  My id is the same as my FULL email address.

DD: I do not have web cam on this computer. I have to much financial info on this computer.I have to watch out  on this computer with lot’s of spywear!

SSF: Are you really this dense?  I understand that it is a photo of a dick.  And if that is what yours looks like then you should know that it has some unusual attributes that need to be explained to a lady who may want to become intimate with it.

DD: You are the first to ask that question. You do your homework before you meet with guys. That is good! I used a pump to get it that big and pills.If you really want to know.

SSF: The word is “maybe,” not “mabey.”  Fine, I’m mean for thinking that a photoshopped photo is not real.  Or, if it is maybe you’d be able to explain how something of that size has affected your life.  I imagine a lot of women are unable to accommodate it, if that is actually your penis.

DD:  Using web cams and going to face book and myspace and twitter allow shit to come in and try to fuck with my stock accounts, bank accounts, financial accounts and lots more. did you not see the news about using gmail. Peopl can hack into it so easy and it has happend to me before. I got a fucking trojan horse in the computer and had all may info fucked with. I had to stop accounts on everything. Sorry if I miss spell words you are spissing me off and I am typing without looking at my emails.

SSF: Ever consider a Macintosh?  Also, you’re already on Yahoo so you have Webcam capabilities.  Either way, clearly we’re not meant to meet this way.

DD: stop emailing me

[He then sent me an email that contained an explicit photo I had sent him, and a complaint that it was not a face pic.]

DD:  would you like to talk to me on phone call me at 707 299 **** [Redacted because I’m nice, dammit.]

SSF:  I think we’ve established that I’m too mean for you.  I’m good w/that.

DD: Good  you bitch! Since you know nothing about hackers mabey your computer will be fucked over. Since you told me you go to stupied web sites that can be hacked into and destroy your computer and all the info in it. Someone could get all own info and see what I can do with it! I hope you have never used personal info on your computer! You will not even know it will be done until it is to late!

SSF: B/c I’ve decided I’d rather not call or meet you I’m a bitch?  And you still don’t know how to spell maybe, so perhaps you should stop using the word in writing.  What stupid Web sites did I tell you about?  YIM?  We’re both on Yahoo right now.  So what you’re doing is threatening me?  Really?  You do know that is a felony, right?

DD: I never threatened yo read what was typed I never said I would do anything!I said something might happen to you.

**********

That night I did post his unredacted phone number and email address on Twitter.  And a couple of nights later I told my harrowing tale on Episode 184 of The Jamhole podcast.  The story continues, but you’ll have to listen to find out.

I swear.  True story.