DJ and I were talking about how different I am.  So now she knows and told me to slow down and try to find out how I feel.  I don’t know how the hell I feel.  I know what my body likes.  When the kisses get deep enought I jsut have to have more.  I start breathing heavy and my heart gets going and I want it to get deeper, but it can’t.  I want it to feel even better.  But I also want it all for myself.  I’m so selfish–I haven’t learned to give and get pleasure from their pleasure.  So I get worekd up easily, no matter what sex the other person.  A kiss form a guy and a kiss from a girl are exactly the same.  You’re supposed to shut your eyes when you kiss anyway, right?  Every time I kiss someone I seem to melt and just let them do whatever they want.  Just one kiss from Erica and I felt it and even thoughtit.  Of having someone have control over me.  Of thinking that it can’t end because then I won’t feel it anymore.  And I was standing then.  With Amy I was sitting down and could lean back on the counter.  I like to be on the bottom yet grabbng and holding on to make sure they don’t leave me.  I want to talk to Amy right now but for some reason I don’t think her parents would appreciate a call at 2:24 am from me saying I’ve just got to talk to their daughter because I want to know what’s going to develop in our relationship.  Also what added to the excitementn was the buildup.  In econ we were giving each other looks, I gave her the “fuck me” picture, we went into the [school] darkroom, we both wanted to and we could tell.  I still find myself looking at guys in a sexual way, I think.  I don’t know.


If you’re keeping track, within a couple of days I had kissed both Erica and Amy, two of the three girls I knew of who would even entertain the idea of kissing girls.  There are more to come.  Finding these 20-year-old diaries has provided me with a lot of (mildly, but wildly at the time) naughty material.