12:05 pm

Waking up thinking about Amy and the whole situation.  Maybe I’m just taking what I can get.  I think I’d do the same thing if she was a guy though.  I really don’t think it makes a difference but I’m just having trouble.  I think I’m mad because I still like guys and it seems for some reason that I think I have to change my whole way of thinking.  But I still want to be with guys, have babies, be affectionate in public.  Oh, I feel like calling Amy but I can’t.  Now I have to cut down a Christmas tree.  Now I’m getting–

2:52 pm

Mom and Chris went to get a tree and decorate it at Chris’s house.  I didn’t want to go ’cause right now I’d rather stew in my self pity for a while.  I just have to think about love and live in general.  anyway, back to when I want into work last night.  Jureee said hello and was sort of laughing about something funny and I tried to motion for her to say hello to Erica for me just in case she was mad at me.  But then right when I was at the door Erica said my name and I believe she was smiling.  (I don’t know ’cause I didn’t have my glasses on.)  I hope so because I don’t want her to be mad.  I don’t want anyone to be mad at me.  Amy does this thing with her teeth–she nibbles at my lover lip–oh my got, just thinking about it I get heightened sensation in my groin and my legs tingle.  Considering I’m very non-committal about stuff, I don’t want to be so excited about her that when she’s not even around I go crazy.  She said the only reason she and Erica were doing anything was because Erica likes her and says she loves her.  But I’ve also talked to Erica and she doesn’t want to lose either Amy nor Juree.  And she thinks she’s so bad but she (Erica) just is having problems with being a little immature and thinking about the future.  DJ saw the picture I have of her and asked how old she was.  She thinks she’s cute.  And she said she looks and acts like a baby bull dyke.  Wonder if I should tell Erica that.  I doubt very much if she would appreciate it.  She is great looking–she has perfect skin, a great nose, pretty clear blue eyes, good high cheek bones.  Well, anyway, maybe I’m obsessed.

5:40 pm

DJ understands me and doesn’t think I’m at all bad.  Which makes me feel great because all those people who think I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing are just being judgmental and do not comprehend me in the least.  I don’t want to tell Amy how I feel cause she would rather not “be” with Erica right now but doesn’t have the heart to stop it and also is enjoying the physical part too much.  She’ll probably just feel with me the same way–that she doesn’t want to hurt me and her body’s getting benefits anyway.  So I’ll probably end up alone–I think that’s what I’m scared of the most.  Being alone (even though I am quite a bit) and no one at all to turn to is far from fun.  I try to just do the sex part but that ends up disastrous and when I do the emotional part I think the sex will ruin it.  So perhaps this two weeks [Christmas vacation] is good for me. But I just don’t want to miss anything.  I’m always afraid I’m going to miss the fun.  What if the three of them decide to have an open relationship–I’ll com back and be an intruder.  I was last to get involved with this little thing so maybe they’ll just want to get rid of me.  I don’t want to be by myself without any friends.  Breathing heavy, no control.  Want to find out exactly how everything works.  I want to know what I will do and why, after just a kiss, I get so worked up.

11:11 pm.

I’m watching some movie about gay guys.  It’s quite interesting.  [My sister (NOT my step-sister)] is a scummy bg mouth.  She told Mom in front of some other eople that I’m no longer a virgin and that I got stoned with her.  So now Mom thinks she can go off telling me not to do other durgs and to use protection and crap like that.  Well, I don’t know if I should kill [my sister] or just tell her off.  Drugs–I’ll do what I want whn it’s available to me.  Juree was syaing something about getting some ‘shrooms and I’d do acid if I had someplace safe to do it.  Safe meaning no parents, plently of time to be up and down, etc.  And as for sex, well if I have sex in the near future, I hae a strange feeligni tht it iwll be with a girl.  that way I won’t have to worry about getting pregnant and I just have to ask Juree about the people she’s had sex with because she’s had sex with Erica who’s had sex with Amy who I will most likeley have sex with.  Especially if I cant keep my mind off of a very short time I spent with her.  So anyway, I don’t tell [my sister] stuff or do stuff with her so she can tell other people about it.  That isn’t very nice.  I wonder if she told Dad and Step-Mom too.  She probably thinks I’m the one who told them her house was a mess but if I’m told not to tell, I don’t tell.  Oh well, I’m just not going to tell her crap.  I hope Juree comes down here and calls me so we can talk.  I admit I’d like something to  happen but if she does call and we see each other I won’t try anything cause she is being really good and trying really hard.  She’s had her chances with me, Amy, and another friend she spent the weekend with but she hasn’t taken up with any of us.  So I’m just really proud that she has said that’s what she wants to do and has done it.  Erica isn’t really doing anything wrong either because she would only think of being faithful to please Juree.  So she never actually agreed to it an din being unfaithful she’s not really being irresponsible.  The only thing I don’t agree with is being dishonest.  I dont know how they can handle being around Juree acting like nothing is going on.  I wanted (not had) to tell Juree about Erica and me kissing because I would have just felt so guilty, I wouldn’t have been able to talk to her normally.  So I told her because it was my business to do so.  But it wasn’t and isn’t my business to tell Juree about Amy and Erica.  So I just have to tell as little as possible and act like I don’t know anyting.  I always want sex–because that’s closeness.  I think that’s why Erica wants it too–because she thinks it’s love.  Of course hormones do play a role somewhere, I think, I’m not sure.

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So adorable how little I’ve changed.  I’m taking that as a positive.