Then  we did some more making out and she started saying stuff like, “I want to see you naked, you would look so good naked,” and then she said something that implied she wanted to eat me out.  And I’m sure I would have let her but I was still bleeding.  And all this time we weren’t just screwing around, we were also talking about how we felt about each other and what the hell Erica was going to do about Juree–still loving her and all.  Christmas we went to Chris’s sister’s house.  Just being in a room with Erica makse me hot an I can’t stand having to hide it from everyone.  The day after Christmas were were at Chris’s and stayed in bed until 4pm.  We did it again but I told her to be gentle and that I might bleed.  She said she didn’t care.  The night before we had gone into the kitchen to get something to eat and were screwing around for a while w/one of us sitting on the counter.  Then the lights went out (we did it, not nature) and were were on the kitchen floor.  Erica is so proud of herself that she can completely control her mind and body and can stop in the middle of sex at any time.  So she was biting my neck and that sort of hurts but also feels good at he same time so I was moaning/squeaking/breathing heavy which gets Erica off to know that she can get  me that excited.  Then she stopped and told me I was lucky she stopped herself because she was close to being out of control.  And then she started again, only lower so marks couldn’t be seen by anyone who didn’t see me with my shirt off.  And she was sucking so hard for so long I had to finally stop her.  She freaked out because she had gotten out of control and hurt me.  But I told her it was alright.  An that’s when she wanted to know how I felt about her.  But I honestly have no idea except for physical need-want-lust.  What bothered me the most though was no matter what she couldn’t stop thinking about Juree.  After we had sex, right after, she talked about Jeree and how far she got her hand up her.  I was trying to be understanding but by Monday I told her I wanted her talking about me.  But still, I’m just too nice, I give so much.  I told her I wanted to take care of her.  She told me she could feel herself falling in love with me.  So I asked her what would she do if I loved her.  Who knows, I might.  I asked if there was anything I could do to make her come to me rather than beg Juree to have her back.  She said no.  At that moment I would have done anything.  But now the time is lost.  She left Tuesday night saying she’d miss me.  And perhaps she has.  But she still has Amy and could get Juree and I have no one but myself, once again, to rely upon.  Things will never be like they were here, Christmas Vacation 1989 in Los Angeles, California.  The time, feeling, freedom, is all lost.  If Juree rejects her, Erica will come to me and I know I should say no, for her to be by herself for a while, but I’ll probably give in.  Because I’m weak, subservient.  Juree either was or is down here and she was supposed to call me but she didn’t.  Erica said I would do the same to Juree that I did to her.  I most likely would have.  But she didn’t call, maybe all for the better.  Things happen the way they do to reach a certain good place.  Erica called Juree when she was down here and Juree said that she and Amy had ha sex.  Erica was pissed but I think she had no right to be.  Erica was buying presents for Juree an not for anyone else basically.  I can understand, Juree being her first love an all, me being a useless fling.  My position in life.  But she did make me feel good about myself.  Telling me I’m beautiful, not fat, a good person, and she liked the way I walked.  She made me feel lovable.  Who knows how things will be when I get back.  I still want to have an honest talk amongst the four of us.  But the four of us have never been alone together and I would have to set up the meeting w/o the others knowing about it because they wouldn’t agree to it.  The bruise from Erica’s incessant sucking is still apparent 5 days later.  Pain is pleasure–scratching, biting, pounding.  No handcuffs–shit.   More sexual exploration later.  She knows where the ol’ clitoris is (she should, she has one) and made my legs twitch.  I said I only had sex w/a guy once but I wonder if she thought I meant all sex.  I just meant coitus.  Not finger and mouth–let’s count–4 different people finger an one mouth.  I’m quite the experienced little ho-bag (5 now), maybe I am a tease.  No, ’cause I’ve only said no to coitus twice and that’s all I’ve refused.  Not twice, three times–Jason Bornstein, Robbie, and Mike.  No one else has wanted to with me.  Except suddenly I’m popular with the girls.  What about guys, don’t they have eyes?  Erica said everyone at [our high school] save four people thinks I’m sexy.  Curtis, Eric Fodge, Justin Fisher, and someone else.  Boy, I wish these people who think I’m so sexy would act upon it.  She said that I’m very sexy.  If I remember correctly, she said this right after she had made me writhe all over the bed in ecstasy.  Maybe I am sexy, yay!  I told her I don’t fake things and I never act.  She asked if I would fake an orgasm for her and I said nope.  But mostly because I wouldn’t know how.  I don’t even know if I had one or not.  Is the leg twitching orgasm?  Who knows.  I wish I knew how things were going to be when I get back.  I guess I can wait though.  We’re going back to Melrose tomorrow for me to spend the rest of my money.  Tomorrow night I’m leaving again for home.  My mother suggested I move down here and live with DJ.  We would be great roommates.  I have no idea at all what I’m doing New Year’s Eve.  I’m getting home and then what?  Call Amy’s house to talk to either or both Amy and/or Erica.  Try to get the four of us together but Juree’s 21 and will want to go to some drinking party.  I just don’t know what to do.  What if everyone hates me?  What if Juree hates me for sleeping with Erica and Amy hates me for sleeping with Erica and Erica hates me for sleeping with Erica?  Oh God what to do?  Just wait be patient

some nights

some nights we regress

feel a snarl grow deep in our gut

prowl dark alleys for easy prey

clench teeth and bite lips to blood

we regress

to primeval roots

to a driving lust

to a frothing anger

even the animals around us

fear us

some nights

By Real Faucher

from:  Notebook/Cuaderno:  A Literary Journal, Volume 5, Number 2, 1989.