Some of y’all have just never encountered a casual sex “relationship” and don’t know how to conduct yourselves.  Or you just did it wrong.  I’m here to help, my lovelies.

  • Spending the night is optional.  Whether to actually sleep with your host after you’ve “slept” together is a mutual decision.  If she invites you and you want to stay, do so with morning sex in mind.  If she does not offer, don’t fall asleep considering yourself invited–that’s overstaying your welcome, and the morning will definitely be an uncomfortable mess of awkwardness.  If you ask and she says no–for whatever reason–be gracious and leave, thanking her for a fun fuck on the way out.  Should she request your presence in her sleeping chamber, but you don’t want to stay, it is fine to thank her and leave–no need for lame-ass excuses.
  • If things are uncomfortable beyond repair, get the fuck out.  No need to explain yourself beyond, “I’ve got to go.”  A woman will assume she’s done something wrong, but better to avoid a fight–or some other encounter that ensures mutual bad feelings–than to have an argument reminiscent of an “If you really cared about me … ” discussion.
  • Keep in contact with her.  A phone call, email, text, tweet, Facebook message, Craig’s List post, or smoke signal letting her know you had a great time is just nice.  She may have postulated that you had a good time when you shot your wad on her face, but it’s still nice to hear/read that the person whose asshole you licked enjoyed it.  Be specific in stating what you enjoyed.  For example, a text that reads, “Good fuck” may or may not be sufficient.  Try, “My favorite part was seeing your ass bouncing on my cock” and see if she doesn’t invite you back for more.

Yep, more to come ….

I swear.  True Story.

That chick whose holes you like pounding has feelings.  You’re not forced into those stupid, “What are you thinking?” conversations that girlfriends tend to like, but that doesn’t give you license to be a callous ass to that lovely slut you’re banging.

  • If her pussy is unappetizing, offer to take a shower with her.  Don’t tell her she’s got a stanky snatch; no one wants to hear that.  If, after said shower, things are still not appealing to you, and if you like her enough to want to continue having fun with her, suggest, very nicely that she may have a medical condition and that she should see a doctor.  As the owner of a pussy it is her job to keep it up.  It is possible that the smell and/or taste of her honey pot simply does not appeal to you, so make any doctor-visiting suggestions with her feelings, and individual chemistry, in mind.
  • Introduce any kind of power play slowly.  D/s play can bring out pent-up emotions in some so proceed with caution.  Love having a dirty slut on her knees while you fuck her throat?  (Just got the nicest tingle in my pussy typing that!)  Try placing your hand, gently at first, on her head while she sucks your cock and see how she reacts, and then go from there.  Grab her wrists and hold her down while pounding away at her pussy and see how she likes it.  Want her to grind her cunt into your face, you dirty little boy?  Lay back and ask to please service her slit–if she can’t figure out how to straddle your face then it’s probably not her thing.  This is where being able to talk to each other can only make your sex better.
  • Treat any embarrassing accidents as such.  Sometimes a laugh is proper.  Sometimes just pretending it didn’t happen is the right thing to do.  After appropriate action–showering is often due–it is polite to apologize if it was your body that didn’t cooperate, or to make clear that it’s not a big deal if you were the recipient of an unexpected “gift.”  No one intends to fart while fucking (ignore) or to shit on his/her partner during a particularly intense session (shower and apologize).  And realize that an unintentional queef (laugh) just means y’all are have a rigorous session of fun.

More to come ….

I swear.  True story.

I just keep coming … up with good tips.  Having casual sex means there is NO expectation of monogamy so you must take the proper precautions.  Or don’t, and see what happens–it doesn’t matter to me, I’m not fucking you.  Oh, I am fucking some of you?  Well, thank you, gentlemen for being such good lays, and keep the pointers in mind, please.

  • Bring condoms.  This is especially important for you gentlemen who fall on the far ranges of the cock size scale; whether you require “snug fit” or XXL, bring the condoms that will stay in place until the job is done.  A proper slut will have her own supply, but isn’t it better to be sure the condoms you use don’t have the potential of making you a daddy?  Use your supply for fucking her pussy; use hers for fucking her ass.
  • Don’t even attempt to stick your dick in her without donning a condom.  Assuming neither of you has an STI is just fucking stupid (pun intended).  The exception to this is oral sex, but if she insists on a condom for cock-sucking, respect her wishes, don’t attempt to wheedle her into submission.  Even blow jobs can transmit STIs, the risk is just lower than for other avenues of penetration.
  • You are a sexually active adult–know what to do if the condom breaks, or if it feels like the burning of 1,000 suns when you take a piss a couple weeks after an encounter.  Be aware of the risks of various STIs, and be nice enough to let her know your test results should you find you’ve contracted something.  If you’re too much of a chickenshit to do that, try inSpot.org where you can have an anonymous email sent on your behalf.  DO NOT assume you got it from her.  Perhaps you gave it to her.  If you did get it from her, it’s not her fault–she didn’t set out to give it to you, and being a slut does not spontaneously generate any infection, sexual or otherwise.  If she is considerate enough to contact you after she’s been diagnosed with an STI do not try to make her feel worse than she already does–she’s definitely very sorry.  Also, as a sexually active adult it is your job to know where to get tested and what you need to do for treatment; she should not have to help you find your local clinic.

Believe it or not, more to come ….

I swear.  True story.

Patrick is not his real name.  We first became acquainted via Craig’s List.  There were some nights I was horny but didn’t want to commit to having a guy over so I’d troll CL for guys who wanted to chat Online.  I tend to look at only the local CL ads–Patrick lived in Western Addition.

Since I don’t think names are all that important, I dubbed him Patrick.  He called me Umbrage, based on my response to his CL ad.  I think he claimed whomever responded wouldn’t be witty enough to keep up with him, so I responded that I took umbrage with his assumption.

We chatted via Yahoo! Instant Messenger several times.  We eventually began having phone sex.  On the phone he was very good at using a certain tone of voice that just put me in a certain head space, and we had a lot of fun.

One night we were talking on the phone and we were both very horny.  I suggested he just come over and fuck me already.  There was a lot of back and forth; I told him my Seattle Guy story.  We were both nervous that despite how hot we were for each other, we were really hot for our respective ideas of each other.

He came over.  We kissed, I think I sucked his dick.  Then we … nothing.  He clearly was not feeling it.  As he had been horny as hell when he arrived, I had to assume it was me.

No one likes to be rejected, for sure, but I would rather someone be honest with me than to pull the lame excuse of just being too tired, which was his explanation for no longer being turned on.  I’ve been pretty fucking tired in my day and that has never taken over my desire to have a new hot, hard cock pounding away at my cunt.

Patrick fell asleep.  I hadn’t invited him to stay; he hadn’t asked.  Not cool.  I had trouble sleeping with this stranger in my bed.  And I certainly wasn’t exhausted from hours of wild sex, so I just “slept” all night.

He left in the morning, but certainly not quickly enough.  I have no idea what I did wrong, other than not being his fantasy image of me.  He, on the other hand, did something wrong by not simply leaving when he realized he wasn’t attracted to me.

We continued to chat occasionally, but of course never to the level we had before the visit.  Despite my repeated requests for an explanation for his shitty behavior, the most he told me was that he thought spending the night would make things less awkward.  Wrong.

I am now firm about whether a person can spend the night thanks to Patrick.

I swear.  True story.

The series endures.  These pointers should be kept in mind every time you go to your fuck’s place.  Don’t get too comfortable, buddy.  Y’all are having casual sex so you don’t have to go through the bullshit of a “real” relationship.  So when she tires of your rude behavior it’s likely she won’t bother telling you you’ve been cut off; and you won’t realize you have been until all your emails to her go unanswered.  One must diligently maintain one’s manners if one wants the good sex is to continue.

  • Her home is not a hotel.  That means you can’t leave used towels wadded on the floor or tangles of hair in the shower drain, or use her toiletries with impunity.  Put the toilet seat down for goodness’ sake.  You have been offered a generous gift of being a guest in her home–and in her pussy (and, if you’re lucky, her ass)–treat it like the the privilege it is.  She is not a maid, and even if she is a maid, she’s not your maid.  Leave a mess and she’ll punish you accordingly, i.e., no more pussy.
  • Don’t help yourself to anything unless you hear the words, “Help yourself.”  And remember that “help yourself” is not a blanket statement that gives you permission to help yourself to everything.  This includes eating any food; drinking any beverage; changing the channel on the television; playing music; using toiletries; opening anything such as cabinets, the refrigerator, closets, bedroom doors, and so on.  Don’t nose around her computer, her desk, or her snail mail.  Just because you’re in her home does not mean she doesn’t deserve privacy.  You’re there to fuck her, not to do her taxes–you don’t need to see her W-2s.
  • Use your phone–whether “smart” or otherwise–on your own time.  You have an actual person with a willing mouth and wet pussy in front of you–much better than your Internet “friends.”

More to come ….

I swear.  True story.

One night I was horny.  Many nights I’m horny.  Most of the nights I am horny.

A night not unlike many other nights, I was horny and sought the company of a gentleman via Craig’s List.  On this particular night I settled on a young gentleman whose ad indicated he wanted to only go down on a woman, that he expected nothing in return, and that the reason for this was that he had a girlfriend who would not let him eat her box.

He came over to my house with wine in hand.  We drank some and then retired to the bedroom.  Where he went down on me … for about 30 seconds.  Suddenly, he felt guilty that he was cheating on his girlfriend.  Nothing had changed though.  When he placed the ad he had a girlfriend, when we exchanged emails he had a girlfriend, when he arrived at my house and chatted over wine he had a girlfriend.  He even had a girlfriend when he walked up the stairs into my bedroom.

He assured me that he wasn’t using the girlfriend as an excuse because he found my snatch unappetizing.  I knew that–my pussy tastes fucking good–but it was still nice to hear.  I then went from lay-back-and-enjoy-getting-a-nice-cunt-lapping mode to comfort-a-guilt-ridden-cheater mode.

I told him that it would be better not to tell his girlfriend anything, as nothing had happened anyway.  I gave him pointers on getting her to allow him to lick her pussy.  Finally, as there was no reason for him to be in my house–he was there to give me an orgasm, but talking in mom-tones to an a confused guy just doesn’t make me come–he left.

Only I was still horny.  Back to CL I went.  This time I wasn’t wasting any time with some guy who just wanted to go down on a woman–I wanted to get fucked.  I settled on an ad, and we exchanged a couple emails; we didn’t even bother to talk on the phone or exchange photos.  As time was getting away from us, I told the guy to come right over.

A cute guy showed up with motorcycle helmet in hand.  He was really cute.  I was amazed at my incredible luck.  He found me attractive too, something he probably found fortuitous as well.  Wasting no time, we immediately went up to my bedroom.  He was a good kisser–I remember thinking, “This is going to be fun” as he took off his jacket and then his sweater.

His phone kept ringing.  Very annoying.  Eventually, he said he had to take the call.  My apartment offers no privacy, and it was late enough that I was concerned that my neighbors would hear him talking if he did so out on my patio or in my building’s hallway, so he went out to the street to talk on the phone.

I pattered around my apartment and I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Hmmm.  What the fuck?  I noticed that he had taken his motorcycle helmet and jacket with him.  Weird.

I waited some more.  I sent him some nasty emails (I didn’t have his phone number).  This could not possibly be.  No way.  The odds against two “horny” guys coming over without putting out on the same night were just too great, right?  And yet it happened to me.

Maybe I did smell.  Maybe I was too ugly.  Maybe I was too fat.  As a dumb girl these silly things are running through my head often.  But when I realized that not one, but two, guys who claimed to be interested in having some fun no-strings-attached sex would rather leave my apartment than get in my pussy, the dumb girl script went into overdrive.

I was beginning to think no one wanted to fuck me.  Yeah, I felt sorry for myself.

The weekend was not a complete loss, however; I did meet 26yo (more to come on him).

Recently, the would-be pussy eater contacted me, apparently finally willing to go down on me for longer than half a minute.  However, other than that he was wanted to make up for his embarrassing behavior from over a year prior, I really had no reason to give him another chance.  What was the point?  I had plenty of guys to actually go down on me.

The guy with the motorcycle helmet told me that he had been detained, but not arrested, by the police the night he was at my place.  Hmmm.  Definitely a creative story, and for that–and my attraction to him–I gave him points.  For many months we exchanged emails in an attempt to see each other again.  He was always busy with work, though, and now I can’t remember what he looked like.  But I know he was cute.

Really, I would like to know the odds ….

I swear.  True Story.

Remember, pupils, that our goal is for ongoing semi-regular hot sex.  We need to treat the situation and the lady with the reverence they deserve.  Isn’t it cool that casual sex can be discussed openly?  Aren’t we living in a great time when we can have a good relationship and good sex with someone without having to have a relationship?  Isn’t it nice that you know this woman has no interest in you for money, jewelry, marriage, children, or anything else but your company and your cock?  My pointers should be taken to heart, dammit.

  • Be able to have a conversation with the woman.  You don’t have to have deep philosophical discussions, but it’s nice to gab between bangs.  If you can’t think of anything else, talking about other people you’re fucking or other sexy things you’ve done in the past may give you ideas for even more fun together.
  • Don’t overstay your welcome.  If the sex is over and she’s talking on the phone, sitting in front of her computer, watching tv, getting ready to leave, etc., that means she’s done with you.  Take the hint and take your leave.  Better to leave her with a pleasant memory of the good fuck than the bitter taste of your socially retarded ways.
  • Don’t run away before she’s come.  And don’t treat the joy that is helping a woman come as a chore.  That’s not sexy and a shit attitude just means it’ll take even longer for her to come.  If she doesn’t come with you, don’t treat her like she’s a freak of nature or take it as a challenge to do everything harder, faster, more.  Some women (and men) need the stars aligned just so in order for them to orgasm with someone else.  Trust her when she says she’s had a nice time, even if she doesn’t have an orgasm.

More to come …

I swear.  True story.