A Pussy by Any Other Name: An Exercise in Reader Participation

I need other words for “pussy.”  I like “cunt,” but even that gets old.  A lot of the other words simply are not sexy.

• Fuckhole, hole, box, snatch, slit:  nasty sexy if used in the right context;
• Twat:  makes me think of a stupid person;
• Fly catcher:  insulting;
• Honey pot:  hot but easily slips into cheesy;
• Gates of Heaven:  lame; if a guy said he wanted to enter my gates of heaven, I’d laugh my ass off, which would probably mess with his hard-on, but if during funny, silly sex it’d be ok;
• Gash:  maybe, in a really dirty way.

And for the men:  cock and dick are good, of course, but they’re sometimes overused.

• Fuckstick:  funny;
• Prick, tool, rod: good, but could easily become silly;
• Willy, peter:  the penis referred to as either of these is small.

I invite you, my dear readers, to comment with your favorite words for genitalia.  I also want to know your reasons why they’re your favorite words.  Please, be dirty as well as sweet.  I want to know what your depraved minds think, and I want to know the history behind your love of the particular words or phrases.  Comment with the most mundane and most creative, please.  You can use some of the words I’ve used, so long as the story behind your choice is interesting.

The “winner” (which will be arbitrarily determined solely by me) will get a fun dirty (as in sans clothing) image of yours truly.  Additionally, the “winner” will be featured in a a future post.  Right now I’m interested only in words for naughty bits.  If this goes well, in the future there will be more “contests” that will cover other topics.

Please spread the word, as the more responses the more entertaining for me, and y’all.  This “competition” will be open for one week, until I post on Monday, June 15, 2009.  I will make my final decision by Friday, June 19, 2009, and the lucky person will get said dirty picture just in time for a weekend wank.  Comment as many times as you’d like so I have more dirty messages to read.

I swear.  True story.

 

Pointers for Guys Engaging in Casual Sex, No. 5

That chick whose holes you like pounding has feelings.  You’re not forced into those stupid, “What are you thinking?” conversations that girlfriends tend to like, but that doesn’t give you license to be a callous ass to that lovely slut you’re banging.

• If her pussy is unappetizing, offer to take a shower with her.  Don’t tell her she’s got a stanky snatch; no one wants to hear that.  If, after said shower, things are still not appealing to you, and if you like her enough to want to continue having fun with her, suggest, very nicely that she may have a medical condition and that she should see a doctor.  As the owner of a pussy it is her job to keep it up.  It is possible that the smell and/or taste of her honey pot simply does not appeal to you, so make any doctor-visiting suggestions with her feelings, and individual chemistry, in mind.

• Introduce any kind of power play slowly.  D/s play can bring out pent-up emotions in some so proceed with caution.  Love having a dirty slut on her knees while you fuck her throat?  (Just got the nicest tingle in my pussy typing that!)  Try placing your hand, gently at first, on her head while she sucks your cock and see how she reacts, and then go from there.  Grab her wrists and hold her down while pounding away at her pussy and see how she likes it.  Want her to grind her cunt into your face, you dirty little boy?  Lay back and ask to please service her slit–if she can’t figure out how to straddle your face then it’s probably not her thing.  This is where being able to talk to each other can only make your sex better.

• Treat any embarrassing accidents as such.  Sometimes a laugh is proper.  Sometimes just pretending it didn’t happen is the right thing to do.  After appropriate action–showering is often due–it is polite to apologize if it was your body that didn’t cooperate, or to make clear that it’s not a big deal if you were the recipient of an unexpected “gift.”  No one intends to fart while fucking (ignore) or to shit on his/her partner during a particularly intense session (shower and apologize).  And realize that an unintentional queef (laugh) just means y’all are have a rigorous session of fun.

More to come ….

I swear.  True story.

 

Pointers for Guys Engaging in Casual Sex, No. 4

I just keep coming … up with good tips.  Having casual sex means there is NO expectation of monogamy so you must take the proper precautions.  Or don’t, and see what happens–it doesn’t matter to me, I’m not fucking you.  Oh, I am fucking some of you?  Well, thank you, gentlemen for being such good lays, and keep the pointers in mind, please.

• Bring condoms.  This is especially important for you gentlemen who fall on the far ranges of the cock size scale; whether you require “snug fit” or XXL, bring the condoms that will stay in place until the job is done.  A proper slut will have her own supply, but isn’t it better to be sure the condoms you use don’t have the potential of making you a daddy?  Use your supply for fucking her pussy; use hers for fucking her ass.

• Don’t even attempt to stick your dick in her without donning a condom.  Assuming neither of you has an STI is just fucking stupid (pun intended).  The exception to this is oral sex, but if she insists on a condom for cock-sucking, respect her wishes, don’t attempt to wheedle her into submission.  Even blow jobs can transmit STIs, the risk is just lower than for other avenues of penetration.

• You are a sexually active adult–know what to do if the condom breaks, or if it feels like the burning of 1,000 suns when you take a piss a couple weeks after an encounter.  Be aware of the risks of various STIs, and be nice enough to let her know your test results should you find you’ve contracted something.  If you’re too much of a chickenshit to do that, try inSpot.org where you can have an anonymous email sent on your behalf.  DO NOT assume you got it from her.  Perhaps you gave it to her.  If you did get it from her, it’s not her fault–she didn’t set out to give it to you, and being a slut does not spontaneously generate any infection, sexual or otherwise.  If she is considerate enough to contact you after she’s been diagnosed with an STI do not try to make her feel worse than she already does–she’s definitely very sorry.  Also, as a sexually active adult it is your job to know where to get tested and what you need to do for treatment; she should not have to help you find your local clinic.

Believe it or not, more to come ….

I swear.  True story.

 

9/18: A Diary Entry

Made a complete fool of myself with 26yo last night.  The sex is so fucking good that I get loopy and gooshy.  Last night I said something along the lines of, “We clearly have a special connection and it needs to be acknowledged.”  To which I got crickets.  And then he made it clear that no such special connection exists.  Ouch.

Even if there is no “special connection” there’s more than he acknowledges.

We were on the couch making out and he told me our photo shoot was his first threesome (which I guess I had known but didn’t fully realize) and then went on to thank me further, I think because I’m willing to do such things with him.  But then he got quiet in a way that appeared to be thinking about something he’s not saying.  I could certainly be reading too much into it, but there was something.

Then we went upstairs.  Of course I wanted to suck his cock.  I rubbed my pussy on on his leg and my tits on his cock.  It was quite hot.

26yo’s very generous in bed and loves playing with my pussy–until he comes.  Once he’s come he’s done.  I have now fully grasped this.  We had gone upstairs in order for him to use gloves on me.

But rubbing my tits on his cock and pussy on his leg made him come–hard.  I think it kind of surprised him.

I had come all over my chest and he had come on his crotch area.  We lay there for a while with just the sheet over us and the sheet got soaked through with the come he had on him.  I must’ve rubbed the soaked-through sheet sticking to his skin for a couple of minutes.  I could feel the texture of the wet sheet and knowing it was come made it feel even better.

That would’ve been a time to get at my wet pussy but no such luck.

But I did get to thinking that our relationship, such as it is, is perfect for both of us–we can and do fuck other people and we’re genuinely happy for the other to meet new people.  We can be completely honest and nasty and dirty about what we want sexually.  We still talk like regular people, with an emphasis on sex, of course.

Why the fuck was I trying to push it into some sort of mold or place a label on it?  Silly.  I’m done doing anything other than enjoying him.  It does no good to think about when it might end because then I don’t enjoy the present as much.  And I want to enjoy every bit of him.

I like his feet, his skin, his hair, his smell, his cute little naked body, his beautiful face, his poufy booty, the way he touches me, how much he’s into my tits, that he likes to do to my pussy the things I’ve always wanted done to it, his cock, the way he fucks me.  The way his cock pushes past my palate and fills up my throat.

I swear.  True story.

 

The Air Show

Army Guy wrote this little tidbit for me when he was in Iraq.  No fucking makes for some fine writing (for him, not me–I’m not testing the theory on myself).  And this was most definitely written for me (the sunscreen reference makes that clear), which I absolutely love.

Army Guy:

It’s a breezy summer day and I appreciate you flying down to meet me at the big air show at the Naval Air Station in San Diego.  We met up prior to the show at our static display, but shortly after the gates open, my co-pilot, Jake, and I were mobbed by attendees asking us stupid questions about our helicopter or random losers telling us the story about how their uncle was a P-51 (or was it P-47?) pilot in WWII.  You enjoy the show, manage to use sunscreen and get a little tipsy on draft beer.  By the time the sun goes down, you’re more or less air-showed out.  After we pack up the display board and recruiting brochures, Jake and I dismiss our crew chiefs who are eager to have a night on the town away from their officers.  As our second crew chief is leaving, you walk up to see what our plans are for tonight.  The sun is going down and the last of the attendees are trickling out.  As this show is put on by the Navy, our aircraft is at the end of the line to make room for all the F-18’s and A-6’s.  It’s a well-known secret among pilots that those guys are all unrepentant cock-gobblers, but that’s another story.

You’ve got a healthy buzz on, and are eager for us to lock up so we can all go out, but I ask if you want to see the helicopter before we leave in a couple of minutes.

You haven’t seen one before, so you put your beer down and climb in.  You sit up in the cockpit and I show you how the cyclic, collective and tail-rotor pedals control the aircraft and how all the radios and system instruments work.  There’s lots of gauges, etc, etc….  As I’m reaching over you to show you the GPS, my arm grazes across your thighs.  You don’t know if I did it intentionally or not, but it immediately sensitized you to what might be happening here.  When you climb out, I grab your hips to help guide you down.

Jake is in the cabin and wants to show you the crew chief stations and cargo hook.  You step up into the cabin and I climb in behind you.  The cabin is ceiling is about 4’ high, so you either have to hunch over as you’re walking around in it or you have to walk on your knees.  You choose the latter as you’re standing between Jake and I.  Jake finishes up the little speech about each part of the helicopter.  He’s done it a million times before, but he’s clearly distracted by you standing so close to him, as he keeps staring at your tits.  I notice him doing it and am grinning at him as he tries to keep his composure.

While he’s talking, I lean in and kiss the back of your neck.  You weren’t expecting it and it causes shivers to go up the back of your scalp.  You momentarily lose your balance and lean a little too far forward.  The combination of the sun and the alcohol may have affected you a little more than you had estimated.  Jake catches you in his arms.  As you look up at him, he leans over to kiss you on the mouth.  You return his kiss.  It isn’t a romantic kiss, but more of a drunken probing of each other’s tongues.  The obscenity of it only sets in more as you feel my hands reach around and cup your breasts.  You experience a flash of guilt for letting these two relative strangers molest you like this, but that very thought excites you.

Jake stops kissing you to help you pull your blouse off.  As it goes over your head, you feel me unhooking your bra to free those luscious tits.  We both want you so fucking bad and are stripping out of our flight suits as you wiggle out of your jeans.  The soft amber glow of the evening sun warms the tarmac and it feels good on your naked skin.

You look at Jake and admire his thin sinewy frame and completely shaved body.  By contrast, my build is a little stockier and my chest his decidedly hairier.  (No, I’m not hairy, but I’m definitely not as metrosexual as Jake.)  We both trim our pubic hair, but what you notice more than that is we both have raging hard-ons.

Since you’re facing Jake, you lean over, grab his cock and feel its weight in your hand.  He pushes your head lower and you open up to take it in your hot, wet mouth.  He moans in approval and I admire the hourglass shape your ass and hips make, bent over in front of me like that.

While you’re sucking him, you feel me wrap one of my arms around your hips and start to massage your exposed pussy with the head of my dick.  You continue to stroke and suck on him rhythmically as I start to work myself inside you.  Once I’m half-way in, I begin to slide back and forth until you loosen up a little bit.  After a couple of minutes of this, I thrust into you as hard as I can, which causes your mouth to slide all the way onto Jake’s cock, making you gag a little.  We both start to laugh (because you have to admit, that was funny) and I can’t help but thrust into you one more time to elicit the same response.  “Hey, just because you’re taking a cock from behind doesn’t mean Jake’s going to let up on your mouth, you fucking slut!”

At this point, Jake pulls you off his cock and reclines on the pile of clothes, flight suits and jackets.  You don’t know what he’s doing at first, but as I guide your hips down towards his erect cock, you get the picture and get on your knees.  You’re already wet from me fucking you, so you glide down onto his pole with little resistance.  Jake comments on how wet you are and thanks me for lubing this whore up for him.  As I release my hands from your hips, Jake’s hands replace them and he begins rocking you back and forth.  Again, I can’t help but admire how shapely and feminine you look from behind.

You’re sitting upright as you’re riding him, so when I push your shoulders down, to make you lean over, you have to put both your hands on either side of him for balance.  I can see your pussy sliding up and down on Jake from this angle and see your glistening juices, dripping down his shaft.  My own cock is starting to dry out in this West Coast air.  As you rock forward, I push you all the way off of him.  As you rock back I slide my own cock into your now well-used slit.  The change is a little disconcerting, but it feels great and you continue to back yourself onto me.

Once I’m good and wet, I pull out of you.  Jake guides you back onto him, and pulls you forward.  Once you’re laying on his chest, you feel me spread your ass cheeks open.  At this point, you feel very exposed, and you know what’s about to happen to you, but the fear and the anticipation feels like an old friend, visiting after a long separation.  You must admit, you’ve become quite the hedonist (at least by this Southern boy’s standards) and your desire to experience something new has been growing with each lackluster encounter you’ve had.

As Jake continues to fuck you, you feel the head of my cock, bumping into your back door.  You relax a little and take a deep breath as I start to slide in.  Once I’m inside you, I pause and Jake stops moving in order to give you a moment to accommodate me.  I reach underneath you to rub some of your moisture on my shaft.  When you tell me you’re ready, I slide into you a little further.  Jake is still inside you, and I can feel him through the thin wall of your vagina.  Since we’re both inside you, that negates the “you’re gay because you just touched a cock” rule, so we’re both OK…

When I’m completely inside you, your perspective shifts for a second to contemplate what’s happening.  You’re getting used as a fuck-toy by two horny soldiers in the back of a helicopter.

As I slide my shaft deeper, I can’t help but notice how unbelievably tight you are.  You fit me like a lambskin glove.  I start to pump slowly in and out of you and Jake matches my rhythm with his own hips.  You feel full and violated inside.  Your desire to be penetrated has never been so thoroughly addressed as in this moment.  As you grow accustomed to what’s happening, you begin to tentatively rock back onto us.

It’s a little awkward at first: the three of us trying to synchronize to each other, but we all soon get the hang of it and are both thrusting into you at the same time as you rock back and forth.  I too, can’t help but laugh of the absurdity of it all.  “This feels so fucking obscene.  Jake and I love having our cocks buried in your tight holes.  Now keep rocking back onto us.  You need to be filled to the brim with our come.”

You abide and begin to increase your pace.  Jake and I both grab your hips and begin thrusting in earnest as you impale yourself on our engorged poles.  I start to quiver and grab a handful of your hair to pull your head back.  I’m about to explode inside you and I want you to arch your back.  The synergy of it all is overwhelming and Jake is on the verge as well.

Your desire to pleasure us is being granted and from the energy you feel between the two of us, you know we’re about to explode in both of your holes.  The imagery that goes through your mind isn’t of any particular past experience, as you have no benchmark to compare this to, but more of an abstract visualization of being impaled as deeply as possible by as large an object as you can bear.  You tense up and grab onto Jake’s shoulders as your body is wracked in orgasm.

I, too, enjoy giving pleasure and that was all that I needed to push me over the edge.  In that fleeting instance, I succumb to that white-hot oblivion that I want so badly.  I scream your name and dig my nails into your side as I make three final violent thrusts into you.  On the final thrust, you feel my balls slap into you as I pivot my hips forward to go as far as possible and inject my seed deep into your ass.  The orgasm is so intense that I feel as if all my essence and every last drop of energy in my body is being passed to you.  I want to collapse, but I’m still hard, so I remain inside of you for a few more seconds.

It’s Jake’s turn.  He tells you to hold still.  Shortly after, he grunts and spasms underneath you as you feel him shooting deep into your womb.  You want this moment to last as long as it can and even think for a second that you wish two more men were standing by to take our place in order to continue punishing your well-used pussy and ass.  Nevertheless, you feel like a pure sexual being and an object to be fucked, violated and used for gratification.  To that end, I can say that you’ve done a superb job today.

Exhausted, I can’t hold myself in this position any longer.  I slide out of you and roll over onto my back.  You sit back and lean against a crew chief’s seat on the opposite wall of the cabin.  You still feel wet between your legs.  Your skin is glistening in perspiration and your hair is a beautiful mess.

You first look to Jake; then to me.  I wink, which causes you to laugh.  Ever the gentleman, Jake grins, motions with his chin to the profusion of semen dripping out of you and proclaims with as much panache as he can muster in his diminished state:

“Ma’am, on behalf of a grateful nation, please accept this small token of gratitude for the invaluable service you’ve rendered today.”

**************

Text received from Army Guy after he read the post (he’d not read it since he wrote it):

Aww.  That was so sweet!  I remember writing and rewriting that over a period of a few days.  Took frequent delays to ponder the mechanics of doing a DP in the back of a helo and to stroke myself whilst pondering the sensations of fucking your nice, round ass.

That is the kind of text message a gal wants to receive!

 

Teach Me How to Fuck Your Guy’s Ass

I placed an ad on Craig’s List under w4mw Casual Encounters with the headline, “Teach Me How to Fuck Your Guy’s Ass.”  My intent was to find mw couples who were already engaging in pegging so they would have the equipment, and so she could show me, via both demonstration and instruction, how to fuck ass properly.

I wanted a woman to teach me because she assumably had the same problem I feared–not being able to feel the phallus used in the harness.  I did not want to get the equipment myself and fuck some guy’s ass without any lessons for fear that I’d hurt him (any more than he desired–which is NOT to say ass fucking should hurt; it should not).

I got many responses, as per usual with CL.  A LOT of the respondents clearly were instituting the gunshot approach by responding to every listing that had been placed by a woman (or a “woman” bot).  These sex hunters shoot their email buckshot far and wide without concern for their sexy prey.  My ad was very specific, yet I had a number of responses from men who’d never been pegged and who didn’t have partners.  Also, several responses from guys who wanted to fuck my ass.  I dig getting my ass fucked, but that wasn’t going to help me learn how to fuck properly with a strap-on.  Besides, I had been been the anally receptive partner countless times; it was my turn to top, dammit.

Through email exchanges I settled on one couple I could tell was experienced in the fine art of pegging.  S&E live in the next neighborhood, Bernal Heights, so we decided to meet at a local dive bar, the 3300 Club.  They are in their mid-30s and she and I have the same first name, so we already had at least two things in common–names and the desire to fuck her husband in the ass. We chatted over drinks, and then I went to the bathroom.

Always when meeting couples for the first time I go to the bathroom to give them the opportunity to talk about me.  And check out my ass (duh).  I think it’s polite to afford them time to determine whether they’re both attracted to me and whether they want to share their bed with me.  I was hoping to be a guest in S&E’s sex life, so other than my participation, everything was up to them.  We had already established our ground rules via email–E’s cock would not be entering my pussy–but otherwise anything was game provided we all wanted things to go forward.

I returned from the bathroom and S very sweetly told me, “We like you” with a big dumb grin on her face.  So cute!  What a nice ego boost to be told a couple finds me so interesting and sexy and fun that they both want to have their way with me.

Some weeks later I walked to their house for the big event.  We had drinks and played with their dogs (not like that, you sick fucks).  Eventually we went to their bedroom (the dogs were locked away in the garage).  I was very nervous about strapping on and fucking him.  They showed me their toys and S put on the harness to show me it wasn’t intimidating at all.

S with a cock wasn’t the least bit scary; actually, she was sexy as hell. She strutted around the bedroom showing off her big dick.  I wanted to know how she fucked with it.  Somehow, instead of demonstrating by fucking E’s ass, her cock found its way into my pussy.

It was a new sensation for me–having a woman with smooth skin and soft flesh pounding away at me with her cock.  While she was fucking me from behind, my mouth found its way to E’s prick.  Because of this experience I now know that one of my all-time favorite things is getting my pussy pounded from behind whilst my mouth is full of cock.

One of the great things about being fucked with a dildo is that it’s always hard.  E shot his load–which I happily gobbled down–and was enjoying the after glow, all while S continued banging away at my cunt.  Eventually she tired of working her hips to fuck me.  Then the three of us did various things that three horny people do together until we were all exhausted.

We did not, however, ever get around to me fucking his ass.  We had a great time, and I was definitely not disappointed in any way as I stumbled home, drunk on both drink and sex.

We got together a second time, and once again we got distracted from our main goal when when E’s cock went in my mouth and S’s cock went in my cunt.  I think I’d choose that “position” if I had to fuck just one way for the rest of my life, though I’m glad I don’t have to make such a harrowing choice.

I was beginning to think I was never going to get a chance to fuck man ass.  I lamented my fate to Mr. Zip, a friend with whom I speak about my sexual adventures at least once a week.  Mr. Zip has no interest in getting pegged so he didn’t even volunteer to help me out of my woeful situation.

I was considering placing another CL ad with a similar headline until I got another email from S&E requesting my presence at their place.

I walked there a third time.  S was wearing a floor-length, high-necked night gown that would have been matronly but for the fact that it was constructed of extremely sheer cotton.  She looked so at-ease and sexy in the gown that I was immediately put on sex alert.  Being able see her tits at attention as soon as I walked in the front door made me realize that night would not be like the previous two we had spent together.  I was very much distracted by being able to see S’s body beneath the gown.  S sensed this, I’m sure, because she soon went into the bedroom–removing her nightie on the way.

E and I followed her into the bedroom.  This time I made it clear that I was not going to pass up my opportunity to fuck his ass; that I would be distracted neither by a hard cock in my mouth nor my twat.  S helped me into the harness and assumed the role of Sexy Professor of Ass Fuck.  She was an excellent instructor.

E got on his hands and knees.  S pulled out the lube.  She lubed up her fingers and loosened up his ass as she told me what he he liked.  She talked about him as if he were merely an object, which was very fucking hot.  I watched her lubed fingers slide into and out of his ass.  She assured me his ass was clean and ready to be fucked.  Eventually, I got behind him and slid my lubed cock into his ass VERY slowly.

E made it obvious he was enjoying himself, which I appreciated.  I tentatively slid my cock into his ass as I got used to the feeling and sight of pushing into him.  It felt so fucking hot to slowly slip into his pretty little ass.

And then I wanted to fuck. The harness was well-placed and I just wanted to pound his ass, hard.  Harder.  I grabbed onto his hips and pulled his ass toward me.  I thrusted, the pressure growing each time I jammed my cock into his asshole.  S, and any comments she may have been making, faded into the background because I was fucking.

I was making guttural noises–fuck sounds–as I pounded his ass.  His cock was so hard.  I reached around so I could stroke it but he told S that he couldn’t handle that much stimulation.  Only I could barely understand what was going on so she had to push my hand away.  He pushed back into my cock as I thrust into him.  I grabbed onto his shoulders so I could pull his whole body onto my cock; so I could fuck him even more ferociously.

Every time I checked in with him to make sure he was excited by what was going on he grunted in approval.  I lost track of S and it was just me and my cock and E.  Eventually E turned over–so I could fuck him face-to-face.

With us facing each other I needed to be gentler, but any thrill lost from savagely fucking his ass was made up for by seeing his face–as I continued to thrust into him.  He looked so pretty.  I looked into his eyes and I knew how men must feel when they’re fucking women.  The look of utter surrender and pleasure on his face was wonderful.

I continued to slide the dildo into his ass until I was becoming too distracted by his hard cock.  Looking down at the erection that I was causing was fucking hot.  I was sorry that it was too much for him to let me bob my head down and suck it at that point.  Eventually I began to hear S talking; I hadn’t realized she had been cheering us on all along.

Finally, I pulled out and lie next to him.  We were both panting.  I took the harness off and S took it and the dildo it contained away.  I asked E if he would give me an assessment of how I’d done, but he wasn’t ready just yet; he was still processing.

I think I did a good fucking job (pun intended).

I swear.  True story.

It’s come to my attention that I left y’all hanging.  I’m sorry I didn’t help you blow your collective wad.

I still don’t know E’s assessment of my skills, as I’ve not seen S and E again.  We’ve exchanged emails and they’ve assured me that they dig my scene, but that they’re busy with the boring life stuff.

 

Suck and Run

I was at a party chatting with the host when the host’s friend introduced himself to me.  Let’s call him Sheldon.  He was an attractive guy and very friendly.  The host told me that he and Sheldon were best friends and that Sheldon was a great guy.

It being a party, I was pretty much drunk, and had probably smoked some pot too, so it took a while for me to realize that I had met Sheldon before.  More than just met.  I had told the host the story of the night Sheldon and I became acquainted earlier that evening.  Only I hadn’t remembered Sheldon’s name (still don’t) so the host didn’t have a chance to waylay the awkwardness that inevitably ensued after the “introduction” at the party.

About a month before the party, I met Sheldon through Craig’s List.  After the email to-and-fro, Sheldon and I decided to meet at the Elbow Room on a Friday night.  I arrived first and amazingly was able to get seats at the bar.  Several men offered to buy me drinks (which is not usual so it still stands out for me).  I declined, thinking it would be rude to get a drink if I didn’t give conversation in return, and since my date was arriving any second, I wasn’t able to hold up my end of the bargain.

Sheldon showed up and we had a few drinks together.  He was cute and we had a good conversation.  Yay!  He went outside to smoke, and because it was a Friday night in a busy bar, the seat he left gave people opportunity to sidle up to the bar to order drinks.  A cute woman ordered for her group and while she was waiting for the drinks we chatted.  Sheldon came back to the bar and I introduced him to her and her friends.  She got her drinks and off they went.

Sheldon and I continued talking.  I told him I thought the woman was hot and gushed a bit.  That’s when things got weird.  He said something along the lines of me not being into him enough and got up and left.  Just left.  Abandoned me.  I was embarrassed, and confused.  We had just met, was I supposed to want to speak to only him for the rest of my life?  How into him did I need to be?  What could I have done to show my interest?

I finished my drink and walked toward my house.  I dipped into another bar for a drink.  The more I thought about the asshole the more pissed–the American and British versions–I became.  Who the fuck was he to make me feel like I had done something wrong?  And why hadn’t I gotten that hot chick’s number?

So, with more liquid courage in me, I marched right back to the Elbow Room.  I found the hot chick and got her number, dammit.  Just in time, too–the bar’s lights went up at last call.

I turned to leave and there was Sheldon.  Ug.  Maybe he felt bad for being such a dick, because he offered me a ride home.  By this time I was quite drunk and probably would not have made the walk home unscathed so I said yes.  On the way to his car we kissed.  I have no clue how that happened.  I would guess I told him he was an asshole for his behavior earlier in the night–so maybe kissing him was my way of saying he could make up for it by putting out.  Who the fuck knows how my mind works when I’m drunk?  Certainly not I.

As soon as we arrived at my place we took Isis out.  She is a very good girl and doesn’t need a leash so when she was doing her thing, I did mine.  My thing is NOT the same as Isis’s.  My thing that night was to get on my knees out on the corner after 2:00 am and suck Sheldon’s cock.

Apparently I wanted Sheldon to know that because he was an asshole to me he was missing out on great head.  And the only way to prove I suck cock very well was to, well, suck his cock very well.  Drunk girls really are stupid.

We went back to my apartment and went to the bedroom, where I continued to suck him off.  Then, without warning–in my drunk mind at least–he got up and ran out of my apartment.  No shit!  Twice in one night this guy takes off on me.  The latter time mid-blow job.  At least there was no one around the second time so I wasn’t embarrassed.

The party’s host laughed, at me, not with me.  Telling the story and seeing the guy had renewed my anger.  What a fucking asshole.  The party’s host wanted me to confirm that Sheldon had a big dick.  I did not recall it being anything all that special in size.  He was a big dick, but I didn’t notice that he had one.

Sheldon was at the party with a date.  I debated with the host whether I should confront Sheldon and out him as an asshole in front of his date and the rest of the folks who were unwittingly attending our reunion.  The host talked me down by making it clear that I would most definitely look like a twat and that Sheldon would look pretty smart for running away from a crazy bitch.  Excellent point.  I avoided Sheldon the rest of the night.

A few months later I saw Sheldon at another party with the same host.  I was no longer angry, and had no desire to make a scene, so I asked him why the fuck he ran out in the midst of getting sucked off.  Apparently, that night, because I was so drunk and so angry, I had retard strength.  I used said strength to squeeze Sheldon’s balls too hard.  He said he asked me repeatedly to ease up but I wasn’t listening, and his poor balls were being abused.  He also explained that the death grip I had on his balls must have been the reason the size of his dick didn’t stand out in my mind–he wasn’t fully hard.  Yeah, ok, whatever, dude.  You’re still an asshole.

I still wanted to know one thing though:  Except for the unintentional CBT, did I give a good blow job?  He assured me that yes, absolutely, I suck cock VERY well.  Thank you.

I swear. True story.

 

I Really Don’t Know

Soon after my husband left me I decided I would no longer keep track of the number of sex partners I’ve had.  Which I’ve not.  The man who would eventually become the Ex was no. 20.  And by the time we broke up I was probably at around 30, because I cheated a whole lot.

Right now I would guess I’m not yet up to 1,000.  So I’ve fucked somewhere between 30 and 1,000 men (and of course some women).  I admit that’s quite a range, but do numbers matter all that much?

Numbers don’t matter, but volume does, because I LOVE fucking sluts.  LOVE it.  I want to know all details of the other people a guy’s fucked.  I want to know that the guy’s put his dick in all the holes he’s encountered.  I want to suck the cock that’s been in the pussies, and asses, and mouths.  And a bi guy–HOT because he’s had the opportunity to be an even bigger slut.  Hearing about all the dirty fun a guy’s had–or better yet, is currently having–makes me want to fuck him even more.

I also don’t keep track of names.  In my experience names aren’t all that important anyway.  Knowing a person’s name does not equate knowing the person, and people who think it does weird me out a bit.  I think it’s creepy when someone I’m fucking or sucking says my name too much–and I’ve told them as much (y’all know who you are).  I’m a person, not a name.

Nor do I know what my “ideal” cock size is.  I simply do not know.  The size that feels good in my hand/mouth/pussy/ass is optimal.  Amazingly enough, I do not keep a tape measure next to the bed, or anywhere in my apartment.  I do tend to be a bit of a size queen, but I’ve not kicked a guy with a hard cock and a fun attitude out of bed based on the size of his tool.

I swear.  True story.

 

Mama’s Family: A Fantasy

I want to have the nerve to say something–that I’d love to have a threesome. That I want her to gag on his cock while I’m finger fucking her pussy and licking her ass. She has to stop sucking for a bit so she can scream when I make her come. Then she goes right back to sucking that cock. I straddle his face and rub my pussy all over it. Then grind my cunt into his mouth. She’s still sucking his cock. I can hear her gasping for breath. I was to see his come all over her sweet face.

 

Oregon Hippie

Oregon Hippie was in town for some sort of green food convention in late January 2008.  I found him through Craig’s List.  He was lamenting that San Francisco’s ladies didn’t appear to be all that welcoming.  I invited him over because via email he had complained that he had never had anal sex and didn’t think he had ever had a good blow job.  Of course I took those little bits of information as a challenge.  He arrived with a bottle of wine and we chit-chatted while drinking it.  He had shoulder-length curly hair, and a nice face.  At the time I knew his age, but now I’d guess he was in his mid- to late-20s.

We eventually went to the bedroom where I discovered that he had some of the softest skin I’ve ever touched.  And a HUGE cock.  HUGE.  I figured out why he’d not been able to use that tool in anyone’s ass and why blow jobs weren’t so easy.

I wrote to Army Guy about Oregon Hippie:

“But that doesn’t mean I didn’t get fucked last night.  It was a very nice guy from Portland.  May just be the biggest cock I’ve ever fucked.  I’m such a cliched size queen but it just felt so good to have a good thick cock fill me.  Poor guy said he’s never gotten a really good blow job and never had anal sex because he’s so big.  I tried to help with the blow job thing.  I sucked his cock and then I laid down and he fucked my mouth and came in it.  I really do like swallowing come.  Really.  And there’s something so nasty and primal I really like about getting my mouth fucked.  He fucked me in my pussy from the front including with my legs up on his shoulders (this I love) and then flipped me over and fucked me from behind with my face in the pillows (you should know by now how I feel about this).  Finally, he came on my face.”