9:09 pm

9:20 pm

I want to call Amy but Mom’s already told me not to make any long-distance calls.  Shit, I just want to be reassured that no one’s forgotten me.  And that they still care.  Maybe if I beg, she’ll let me.  I just remembered the young girl in “Dangerous Liasons.”  She had the prettiest breasts I have ever seen in my life.  If I ever get a chance to see those kind of breats in person I will probably go crazy and stare for a while then touch gently and slowly watching the nipples become erect.  Anyway–back to life, back to reality.  What is there to eat?  I’m watching new music awards on MTV.  It’s mostly alternative music.  Jane’s Addiction got an award for album cover.  The Red Hot Chili Peppers sang–the lead singer has a great body and really long, pretty hair.  Oh, and Mike B., the Flea is not dead because I saw him on stage.  So Chriz in my econ class can go to hell for telling me he had died and getting me depressed.  I’m jealous of Amy and Erica because they get to sleep with each other.  They can wake up any time and do whatever (as Erica says Amy does) and then wake up next to each other.  They don’t have to worry about someone coming home because they are home and Amy’s parents don’t even suspect.  Whenever I think back to stuff it seems just as unreal as one of my little day dreams.  But then I realize that it was real, I think.  It seems so long ago that I talked to anyone I know (Erica, Amy, Juree) but it was actually only two days ago.  I think back and get so afraid that I’ll never see them again or that they won’t like me.  Why the hell am I so paranoid?  I just need someone to be close to.  I want to be able to tell someone (Amy) that I feel greatly for her.  The trouble is I don’t know in what way that I feel.  Maybe it’s just sexual.  She asked me if I was alright.  Why do people always ask that?  Robbie, Mike, Amy.  But Amy sounded genuine and not scared.  She also said that I was shaking and then said, “Oh, I’m shaking too.”  I was sitting on the stool with my legs open when she came and stood between them and said something like, “Oh, you’re ready, aren’t ya?”  Anyway, my legs wrapped around her and that’s when her concern started.  I like just hugging and we did that for a little bit while breathing heavy.  Then some time after that Erica came a-knocking.  Oh, and Amy was biting my neck so I thought I’d have marks and I was totally paranoid that someone’d see.  And then they’d just deduce that I didn’t have any hickeys before lunch and they’d ask who the guy was and I wouldn’t be able to think of a name on such short notice and then they’d know I was with a girl and they’d spread the ol’ rumor as fast as the speed of gossip (juicy, at that) and then I wouldn’t have any friends, not even Amy and Erica because they’d be so pissed at me because I let it out, then I’d be all alone and depressed and then die and never be anything and never know what I could’ve done ’cause I’d be dead as a doornail.  Well, anyway, I looked in a mirror after 5th period to find not the slightest mark on my neck.  Boy, was I happy.  After school I missed my bus so I had to take another one that went all over El Dorado Hills.  So I didn’t get home until after 4:30 and then I had to pack for L.A.  (I’m here now.)  Mom called and we talked about DJ picking me up.  And I tried calling Amy twice–both times the answering machine came on, which of course I refused to talk to.  She must have been at work.  Life is so depressing.  DJ said it’d get better in four to five years.  Oh yea.  I’m so organized now that I’m sure I can still handle four to five years of worsened hell.  Gosh, I’m so excited.  She seems and talks so self-confidently but she’s scared just like the rest of the world and society–screwed just like the others of us.  And she said so herself that all her psychologists thought she was tweaked because she always lied and I was the first person she told the truth to.  So I’m going to try to get Erica for my subject in Lifeskills.  She would be perfect but I don’t know if we’re allowed to be previously emotionally involved.  So I’ll have to ask Mr. H.  I am quite emotionally involved not only because I’m her friend because I’m choosing an alternative lifestyle also.  I don’t have the heart to–no, not nerve–more like nerve to say I’m gay.  Because I don’t want to be.  I’m doing fine experimenting and I probably will all my life but I know I still like guys.  Maybe it’s like DJ says–so you always have a date.  But she’s not bisexual so maybe she just doesn’t understand.  I don’t myself.  Someone bisexual sounds like someone who’ll pick up anyone who’ll pick them up–male or female.  Well, for me that’s just about true.  Amy was saying that if we were all honest with each other we’d end up in the same room doing it together and she couldn’t handle it.  I don’t think I’d want other people to see me get out of control–I don’t think I would if there were other people because I’d be too self-conscious.  But I like to watch other people–not participate, just watch.  It would be neat to see them get out of control.  But how do I expect that someone else wouldn’t be a little worried if I would be?  Ok, so I’m being illogical but at least honest.  It would be fun to watch Juree and Erica because they’re quite used to each other and Juree I think gets off easily.  I’m not sure yet why I wouldn’t want to watch Amy and Erica.  Maybe because I’d be jealous or because I’ve never seen how they act together intimately.  Am I going to have to burn more incense?  I still haven’t gone Christmas shopping, but oh well.  I want to hear “Janie’s Got a Gun” but they’re just playing dumb shit like Paul McCartney.  So tired, 2:39 am.